Has it ever happened to you..that you see something,hear something,read something and experience this incredible sense of deja vu..an inner voice that screams out 'thats me'!! Well I just lived through that right now.The following describes me in the truest sense ever.
"To have issues with boundaries,one must have boundaries first!!But I disappear into the person I love.I am the permeable membrane.If I love you,you can have everything.You can have my time,my devotion,my ass,my money,my family,my dog,my dog's money,my dog's time-everything.If I love you,I will carry for you all your pain.I will assume for you all your debts,I will protect you from your own insecurity,I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy christmas presents for your entire family.I will give you the sun and the rain,and if they are not available I will give you a sun check and a rain check.I will give you all this and more,until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else"
Excerpts from Eat Pray Love
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Love me now,love me again
Love me so I don't ever feel the pain
Love my faults,love that part of me that is vain
For every bit of me is yours as long as you want the same
Love me with that side of you that's insane
Love me like you will never love again
Love me coz I don't want this to be a game
My fears are screaming out to you,please just take my name
Just love me till I don't ever feel the pain
Only love me till I don't ever feel the pain
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
A costly mistake
Have you ever asked yourself what you fear the most? Of course,Disappointments,shattered dreams and heartbreaks are chapters that were,is and will continue to be written and re-written, in all our lives..(I just realised,Isn't there something so wonderfully weirdly non-discriminatory about that!!!! Yay!!)
Don't judge me,I am a good person.Anyway getting back to the point,I think I'm one of those weirdly non-discriminatory creatures(albeit not wonderfully) who's most afraid of making her mistakes..again and again and again!!
You can't blame someone who makes a folly once,it is so insignificant that they don't even have a term for it.Significant are those like me,the bundle of follies not joy,and yes they have an official term for us as well,We're are 'the losers'!!
This post is in no way an attempt to garner sympathy(although some over the top pampering is what my doc has prescribed to me)But its a genuine attempt to understand,discover me..and maybe you if you are like me.
Its not even as if I haven't grown up sane,normal and reasonably well reasonable....ok maybe I'm a little floozy,erratic,melodramatic and well sort of an MB fan while growing up(the really corny always happy never sad romances for those who pretend not to know)..but there are worse vices I always thought...Whenever my mum or a close friend would point put my above stated honestly admitted weaknesses,of course always lovingly so,my reply would always be 'well atleast I'm not an axe-murderer' or the dumber and wiser 'As long as it only hurts me' line
But thats where I was wrong,I've had enough realisations and revelations in the last few years to fathom..that If I'm not happy,I don't make others happy either!!! (I have not graduated from the french finishing school I'm afraid,or maybe the cliched 'discovering myself' is still miles away)
So the writing on the wall,and the sky and the universe in all really is be happy and let go of the past..start afresh,start something new,with someone true.
But here's the catch,what If I love langushing in my mistakes,what if my heart knows how to beat just that way and no other way,what if I want to trust and give it a chance over and over again..Do you understand the happiness in my pain?
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Okay,here's a fact..I'm one of those that they call an optimist..some have been stark enough to cast me away as a dreamer..those who love me call me a 'starry-eyed dreamer'.One of my closest friends once told me,that my life will be difficult.When I asked him why,he said this 'You have a habit of living parallel lives.One in your heart,and one outside.And more often than not its what your heart says,is what you believe..and ignore completely the reality.' My reaction was to be rendered speechless.Till date he doesn't know its because he hit so close to the truth.
My nature established,I have always believed that there is no right or wrong.One should be just the way that makes them happy.After all isn't that what every self-respecting psychiatrist worth his salt and every self-help book preaches...they rant and rave about pots and pans,but they always come back to the revered 'be yourself' at the end.
So I stay the way I am and very happily so..But even in my picture perfect,eternally positive world I stumble over just one thing again and again..
I have never been able to fathom why a perfectly sane,well educated,normal person can fall in love with those who are incapable of loving them back..and completely ignore those who want to love them without asking for it back.
Let's be fair,by 'them' I mean me and I sincerely hope lots of others too(as they say misery loves company)
My mother once told me a long,long time ago..(this is when the most exciting thing in my life was my next visit to Appu Ghar,which is not to say that I have gotten over my fascination for amusement parks..I absolutely adore them and there is a good reason why,but thats for later)
So not to digress away,my mother once told me in what can only be her apt substitute for the 'birds and bees' talk,'that when I am on my quest for love,I should always settle for the one who loves me more,rather than the other way round.'
Over the years as I was growing up I did dwell on her pearls of wisdom,but discarded them convinced that love is a very non-selfish thing..that its better to give and then give some more.
That was the romantic in me..but over the years that perception has transformed and become quite a bit jaded and a little more real.
Maybe I was wrong,maybe love is selfish,coz it definitley hurts when it isn't reciprocated in the manner that I consider just.
So just for today I would like the permission to hang my head in shame and run away from the world..because maybe just maybe my foundations were wrong,and that Friend of mine starkly right.
But somewhere I know this this quirk of mine is here to stay..and so I need the answer to this puzzle.Nature intended for all of us to be happy people(hence all that jazz about lesser muscles in use for a smile,and more for a frown),so why do we go planting ourselves on the path of self-destruction over and over again.
An explanation,any explanation,a clue,any clue..even unsolved theorems at this stage would be appreciated.
Note: Here's my theory- I believe its a conspiracy,a plan on a worldwide scale hatched by all the psychiatrists,self-help book authors,healers,Yogis,swamis and lots more,you get the hint.It is a very strong possibility.Did you know that as of this date the self-help industry has a turnover of 8.5 billion dollars a year.Something to think about :)
My nature established,I have always believed that there is no right or wrong.One should be just the way that makes them happy.After all isn't that what every self-respecting psychiatrist worth his salt and every self-help book preaches...they rant and rave about pots and pans,but they always come back to the revered 'be yourself' at the end.
So I stay the way I am and very happily so..But even in my picture perfect,eternally positive world I stumble over just one thing again and again..
I have never been able to fathom why a perfectly sane,well educated,normal person can fall in love with those who are incapable of loving them back..and completely ignore those who want to love them without asking for it back.
Let's be fair,by 'them' I mean me and I sincerely hope lots of others too(as they say misery loves company)
My mother once told me a long,long time ago..(this is when the most exciting thing in my life was my next visit to Appu Ghar,which is not to say that I have gotten over my fascination for amusement parks..I absolutely adore them and there is a good reason why,but thats for later)
So not to digress away,my mother once told me in what can only be her apt substitute for the 'birds and bees' talk,'that when I am on my quest for love,I should always settle for the one who loves me more,rather than the other way round.'
Over the years as I was growing up I did dwell on her pearls of wisdom,but discarded them convinced that love is a very non-selfish thing..that its better to give and then give some more.
That was the romantic in me..but over the years that perception has transformed and become quite a bit jaded and a little more real.
Maybe I was wrong,maybe love is selfish,coz it definitley hurts when it isn't reciprocated in the manner that I consider just.
So just for today I would like the permission to hang my head in shame and run away from the world..because maybe just maybe my foundations were wrong,and that Friend of mine starkly right.
But somewhere I know this this quirk of mine is here to stay..and so I need the answer to this puzzle.Nature intended for all of us to be happy people(hence all that jazz about lesser muscles in use for a smile,and more for a frown),so why do we go planting ourselves on the path of self-destruction over and over again.
An explanation,any explanation,a clue,any clue..even unsolved theorems at this stage would be appreciated.
Note: Here's my theory- I believe its a conspiracy,a plan on a worldwide scale hatched by all the psychiatrists,self-help book authors,healers,Yogis,swamis and lots more,you get the hint.It is a very strong possibility.Did you know that as of this date the self-help industry has a turnover of 8.5 billion dollars a year.Something to think about :)
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