The irony..

The Irony is that...

I go away..so that you can call me back
I may say I feel nothing..but really everything's still intact
All you have to do is look at me..and know I'm still waiting here
All you have to do is take my hand in yours..and I'll follow you everywhere

Needed:Some clarity,a lot of love

I saw a really crappy movie this saturday..its called Kurbaan and I was quite looking forward to it..but it was one of those classic situations of expecting too much and getting just nothing.Anyhow the funny thing is that I saw a very bad movie but there was something that connected...some part of me that was affected.And I feel it had more to do with the person I was with.He was my paisa vasool and not Karan Johar's 50 crore magnum opus!!
People say that extreme heartbreak renders you emotionless..but my pandora's box once opened has let out all my dreams but left me with fresh new hope.Its as if every mistake that I made was preparing me for this moment.Now I know what all those nutcases who puffed up for a life meant when they uttered the word 'nirvana'..this absolutely painful yet utterly peaceful state of mind is my nirvana...

Tonight thy spirit please leave me alone

Let loneliness and depression finally take its toll

My noble soul is ready to declare

I need to give up,I need to despair

For too long I've fought this battle

And the only thing thats left is my bruised matter

Tonight thy spirit please leave me alone

Let the tears come at night,oh please let it hurt

Coz they've sneaked upon me all silent and yet robust

Now I walk with Depression on my right and Loneliness on my left

I watch and sigh and then climb into my bed

I pull the covers over myself

knowing I sleep with no hope in my heart

Deja Vu

Has it ever happened to you..that you see something,hear something,read something and experience this incredible sense of deja vu..an inner voice that screams out 'thats me'!! Well I just lived through that right now.The following describes me in the truest sense ever.

"To have issues with boundaries,one must have boundaries first!!But I disappear into the person I love.I am the permeable membrane.If I love you,you can have everything.You can have my time,my devotion,my ass,my money,my family,my dog,my dog's money,my dog's time-everything.If I love you,I will carry for you all your pain.I will assume for you all your debts,I will protect you from your own insecurity,I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy christmas presents for your entire family.I will give you the sun and the rain,and if they are not available I will give you a sun check and a rain check.I will give you all this and more,until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else"

Excerpts from Eat Pray Love

Love me now,love me again

Love me so I don't ever feel the pain

Love my faults,love that part of me that is vain

For every bit of me is yours as long as you want the same

Love me with that side of you that's insane

Love me like you will never love again

Love me coz I don't want this to be a game

My fears are screaming out to you,please just take my name

Just love me till I don't ever feel the pain

Only love me till I don't ever feel the pain

A costly mistake

Have you ever asked yourself what you fear the most? Of course,Disappointments,shattered dreams and heartbreaks are chapters that were,is and will continue to be written and re-written, in all our lives..(I just realised,Isn't there something so wonderfully weirdly non-discriminatory about that!!!! Yay!!)

Don't judge me,I am a good person.Anyway getting back to the point,I think I'm one of those weirdly non-discriminatory creatures(albeit not wonderfully) who's most afraid of making her mistakes..again and again and again!!

You can't blame someone who makes a folly once,it is so insignificant that they don't even have a term for it.Significant are those like me,the bundle of follies not joy,and yes they have an official term for us as well,We're are 'the losers'!!

This post is in no way an attempt to garner sympathy(although some over the top pampering is what my doc has prescribed to me)But its a genuine attempt to understand,discover me..and maybe you if you are like me.

Its not even as if I haven't grown up sane,normal and reasonably well reasonable....ok maybe I'm a little floozy,erratic,melodramatic and well sort of an MB fan while growing up(the really corny always happy never sad romances for those who pretend not to know)..but there are worse vices I always thought...Whenever my mum or a close friend would point put my above stated honestly admitted weaknesses,of course always lovingly so,my reply would always be 'well atleast I'm not an axe-murderer' or the dumber and wiser 'As long as it only hurts me' line

But thats where I was wrong,I've had enough realisations and revelations in the last few years to fathom..that If I'm not happy,I don't make others happy either!!! (I have not graduated from the french finishing school I'm afraid,or maybe the cliched 'discovering myself' is still miles away)

So the writing on the wall,and the sky and the universe in all really is be happy and let go of the past..start afresh,start something new,with someone true.

But here's the catch,what If I love langushing in my mistakes,what if my heart knows how to beat just that way and no other way,what if I want to trust and give it a chance over and over again..Do you understand the happiness in my pain?

Okay,here's a fact..I'm one of those that they call an optimist..some have been stark enough to cast me away as a dreamer..those who love me call me a 'starry-eyed dreamer'.One of my closest friends once told me,that my life will be difficult.When I asked him why,he said this 'You have a habit of living parallel lives.One in your heart,and one outside.And more often than not its what your heart says,is what you believe..and ignore completely the reality.' My reaction was to be rendered speechless.Till date he doesn't know its because he hit so close to the truth.

My nature established,I have always believed that there is no right or wrong.One should be just the way that makes them happy.After all isn't that what every self-respecting psychiatrist worth his salt and every self-help book preaches...they rant and rave about pots and pans,but they always come back to the revered 'be yourself' at the end.

So I stay the way I am and very happily so..But even in my picture perfect,eternally positive world I stumble over just one thing again and again..
I have never been able to fathom why a perfectly sane,well educated,normal person can fall in love with those who are incapable of loving them back..and completely ignore those who want to love them without asking for it back.
Let's be fair,by 'them' I mean me and I sincerely hope lots of others too(as they say misery loves company)

My mother once told me a long,long time ago..(this is when the most exciting thing in my life was my next visit to Appu Ghar,which is not to say that I have gotten over my fascination for amusement parks..I absolutely adore them and there is a good reason why,but thats for later)
So not to digress away,my mother once told me in what can only be her apt substitute for the 'birds and bees' talk,'that when I am on my quest for love,I should always settle for the one who loves me more,rather than the other way round.'
Over the years as I was growing up I did dwell on her pearls of wisdom,but discarded them convinced that love is a very non-selfish thing..that its better to give and then give some more.

That was the romantic in me..but over the years that perception has transformed and become quite a bit jaded and a little more real.
Maybe I was wrong,maybe love is selfish,coz it definitley hurts when it isn't reciprocated in the manner that I consider just.

So just for today I would like the permission to hang my head in shame and run away from the world..because maybe just maybe my foundations were wrong,and that Friend of mine starkly right.

But somewhere I know this this quirk of mine is here to stay..and so I need the answer to this puzzle.Nature intended for all of us to be happy people(hence all that jazz about lesser muscles in use for a smile,and more for a frown),so why do we go planting ourselves on the path of self-destruction over and over again.
An explanation,any explanation,a clue,any clue..even unsolved theorems at this stage would be appreciated.

Note: Here's my theory- I believe its a conspiracy,a plan on a worldwide scale hatched by all the psychiatrists,self-help book authors,healers,Yogis,swamis and lots more,you get the hint.It is a very strong possibility.Did you know that as of this date the self-help industry has a turnover of 8.5 billion dollars a year.Something to think about :)

Where is my Right to not feel scared...

In retrospect it may be nothing,but at the time I was petrified.It had been a regular day at office.Except that in my life,for two weeks in a month,regular means getting over after midnight.The timing is unusual for most but very usual in the mayhem of media that I inhabitate and so love...
It had been a tiring day that didn't allow many breaks so when hunger pangs struck when I was finally calling it a day I couldn't resist walking 30 metres to this guy who makes the yummiest food,bang outside my office.Its important to note the 30 metres and the fact that I was surrounded by my colleagues.While I placed my order and set out to wait the 5 minutes that it would have taken for the food to be cooked,a car zipping by on the main road stopped.Four men emerged to buy a pack of cigarettes from this same guy,and then were about to drive off but suddenly stopped.I'm guessing this is when they spotted me.Feeling uncomfortable with the incessant staring,I asked for my order to be delivered to my car.

I finally left my office premises 5 minutes later and not surprisingly they left with me.From the Noida toll road to the Lajpat Nagar flyover,we played a race that would have put any professional racer to shame..it wasn't how fast you could go,but rather how slow you could drive.My car was driving slow to lose them and of course they were driving slower so as not to lose me.I made note of two things at this point.One,as to how glad I was to have a driver driving me home.That leads me to the second point.I was glad because the streets save for the trucks that wouldn't have stopped for anyone,were deserted.I don't get the logic of having checkposts outside popular clubs,so that it thereby becomes easier to find and fine drunk drivers..but what about the few and far in between checkposts that are an elusive entity on the bloody main roads!!!

No one can understand this feeling of fear other than a woman..my heart didn't stop beating till I was on the right side of my main door.The sad part is that these problems have come forth numerous times..sometimes in the shape of eve teasing..other times in the heinous form of rape.And yet I can see the same fingers being raised,you know those morally right ones that make their presence felt when whatever unjust had to happen has already happened,ironically thats when these endorsers of justice zoom in.

So there's the usual 'why travel at that time and invite trouble' song(one that our Lady Chief Minister herself sang at an unfortunate incident involving another female journalist returning home at an odd hour)..but here's the deal,I am very proud of the fact that I work in a field where the name of the game is equality..equal stress,equal workload,equal physical labour and of course the same working hours.
Another accusation that keeps cropping up(and this one makes me see red) is the 'why don't you dress to deflect attention' advice.Now this I find the most vague.I'm not the pre-deciding clothes,shoes and bag a day before person.But I am one that gets it right and that also intentionally..simply because I want to.I like to dress up and last I checked the constitution hadn't entered it into its list of crimes yet.And one thing constantly eludes me..If a girl doesn't lose her senses,her virtues and her clothes at the sight of a skimpily dressed man,how can we be responsible if men are too weak to bear the same...
Amidst all these atrocities faced by women and yet the restrictions put on only women..It saddens me to realise how We've lost our right to not feel scared...

A revelation..

I'm sure each of us in our very mortal lives is at sometime or the other privy to the strangest of thoughts..and yet I fear that mine go beyond the rationale of normalcy..or for that matter even beyond the thresholds of the most ridiculous...

But I can no more control my thoughts than control a herd of wild sheep (well actually that maybe is still possible)

Why am I so constantly besieged by these questions that take the form of my nightmares,my shattered dreams,my tears..I try not to but I still ask myself what must it be like to feel like a commodity? What must it do to you to know that you're nothing more than a mistress? How much is the pain to realise that you can even rise to the ranks of a glorified mistress..Oh yes higher in rank certainly but yet lower than ever..

I do not fear these questions as such,I fear knowing that the answers come to me almost instantly.Why does my heart break when I realise that the stark truth of these emotions is more familiar to me than it really should be..when exactly did my beautiful,full of dreams,promising life take this crossroad

And so the tears flow on,until one day even they will dry up,but the questions will remain.

Cast in stone as will be I

Ten reasons why I loved being stuck in the rain

.... for three hours no less

1.Because I was so bored that I called everyone I had ever known.Friends I hadn't been in touch with,people I'd lost my way with.At one point I actually scrolled down my phonebook to remember.And also 'How gorgeous is this weather' is a no-complications conversation starter

2.Because after 24 years,and three hours of being stuck on a jam packed,flooded road..I have finally figured out my favourite rain song.It's 'Tip Tip Barsa' from Mohra.Its spunky,hot,vibrant and ghaati at the same time.Everything I love...

3.Because I finally got to try what I'd often heard of but never tried entity called 'me time'..Retrospecting on me,my life,my choices...and then some more of me,my life to come and choices I have to make.. Something I've been wanting to do for a while now.And it lasted all of 5 minutes :)

4.Because its a sin not to dance in the rain.So with a conked off music system and rain playing beautiful music I had no choice but to prance around on the flyover.People stare,of course they do,but tell me when do they not.Might as well give them something to stare at (not a good idea if you're wearing white though)

5.Because If there was ever a time that god deemed that everyone is equal,that time was now.It was made clear on the nehru place flyover where I remained stationery for an hour.It didn't matter if you're the proud owner of a lambourghini or a hardly there Zen(moi)...they got stuck,we got stuck and a sticky time was had by all

6.Because I became a mini tiny celebrity.Working in tv I have always asked the questions,been the interviewer..but this time I was the interviewee..and was giving my oh so valuable inputs,well I think so (so what if it was a traffic report)

7.Because its only at these times that I enjoy cars splashing water on me.You see they really had no other option.And me,well maybe I shouldn't have been standing on that road.

8.Because staying hungry for three hours you dream and die for hot food,good food,any food..and even that anything at the end of it tastes divine

9.Because earlier in the evening I was called 'melodramatic'.Didn't like it much but while listening to the gorgeous sound of the rain pittering pattering down, I realised its hindi translation is 'dramebaaz'.Now that I think about it..if an entertainment correspondent won't eat,live and breathe drama..then baby who ever will????

10.Because I got a chance to write this....Ten reasons why I loved being stuck in the rain

Till death parts us...or for that matter life

This post is dedicated to the man I hardly knew...but who passed away leaving behind lessons that I learnt from..steps that I took..and decisions that I finally made

Three days ago I got a call from a friend..let's call her 'R'..she called to let me know that a common family friend's 26 year old son had lost his life in an unfortunate accident...And just like that a young,talented,so full of life person....was gone.Let him be known as 'A'.

His face since then has loomed in front of my eyes.Did I know him well..no actually I didn't.Was he even a friend..no just an acquaintance.I don't think I knew much of him beyond his name.But he was young,he was talented,he was dynamic,he was going to do something and become someone..but most importantly..he was his mother's unwavering support with Aunty having lost Uncle in another accident a decade ago..

How can it be fair..for one family..one person to bear so much.I cry at night with the thought...that even if she yearns to believe,why should she.Even if there ever comes a time when she will dare to put her faith again,where will she?

Looking at them I for a while lost my faith..in this universe and the way it works..in this life and how fragile it is..

I had lost respect for who we are...the first thing I did post hearing this news was thank god that my loved ones were safe..Is that a selfish thing to do..maybe yes...but you can glorify it,confuse it or just riddle it with complexities..but the truth remains the truth.

Most importantly 'A' has taught me that my problems are trivial...how can I find reason to complain..when I atleast have my nearest ones to complain to.

Life for long I felt was not worth writing home about..but I'm writing today because my perspective has changed..my priorities have evolved...Yes,I am in love all over again but I am in love with life this time.

Thank you 'A' for letting me realise that chapters start only to end...but that doesn't mean there won't be many more..I have wonderful memories abound..at first i clung onto them with all my might..but now I'm not afraid to make some more.

I have one life..and for as long as that is..I am going to live it.

So long 'A'...rest in peace

Starry-starry dreams

This is dedicated to all the men I had in my life...An ode to you simply because you once existed

They say to write well you need to write what you know..well this is what I know.

I'm only 24 years old (Yes,I take the liberty of saying 'only'),yet I've seen more than I should,more than my mind can comprehend,more than I could possibly take.

Infidelity,Physical Abuse,Mental Trauma were fancy important sounding words that I always heard..was warned against..even pondered upon..but never thought I would encounter.

I don't want to glorify my life,I don't want to compose songs on the unfairness of it all,come to think of it maybe just maybe I'll write a book on it someday...but all I want to do right now is just pack my bags,forget everything that I know and go back to the time when the solution to any problem was holding my Mom's hand,when it was ok to bawl my eyes out and I could be cheered up with something as simple as the batter of some gooey chocolate cake,when feeling insecure was not considered a weakness but rather a reason to be hugged and held tight.

Yes,I grew up believing in Happily ever-afters,so what wrong did I do.All I want is to give my all,all I crave is for somebody to want that all.

With each of you,too many times I've let my life come to a standstill.

But now I feel that a chapter is ending,now I can see a new day dawning,I did love you maybe because my love for you was pure.I did miss you maybe because I belonged to you with my heart,but I can't be beaten,broken and defeated anymore.

For I don't want to fall but rise in your love...

I've been heartbroken,rejected,dumped and even duped..but every morning I wake up wanting to be who I am even more..

Yes you caused me unbelievable pain and for a while I lost my reign,yes you tore me into pieces and maybe for a bit I was never the same, still this heart yearns to hope and has started to heal again,in some ways I'm broken but that was only an impetus to be brand new again.

I still hope,I still crave,I still yearn without any discerning breaks..and yes I still dream my starry-starry dreams